The Weight of Shadows: How Childhood Trauma Shaped My Life and Business

As I sit down to write this, I am aware of the profound weight that this story carries—not just for me but for anyone who has faced the lifelong echoes of childhood trauma.

For years, I lived in the silence of a truth that felt too overwhelming to articulate only occasionally blurting out when I was drunk or manic only to delete it later.

I was repeatedly raped, abused and emotionally manipulated by a family member from 12 years old for over a decade. This is a deep wound that shapes not just the past but also the present, impacting how I see the world, how I connect with others, and how I show up in my personal and professional life.

The Lasting Effects of Trauma on Life

Trauma doesn’t live neatly in the past—it reverberates through the present, manifesting in ways that can be surprising, even baffling. For me, it showed up in the form of relentless self-doubt, fear of rejection, and an overactive need for perfection.

 1. Self-worth and Confidence: Abuse robs you of your innocence, and for years, I carried a deep-seated belief that I was worthless and wasn’t enough. This internalized narrative made confidence a constant battle. Even when I achieved milestones, a massive voice of doubt lingered. A sickening gut wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach that would consume my whole body and thoughts.

I quickly learnt how to put on a mask and I self medicated with pills and alcohol. A daily routine of suicidal thoughts drumming and gnawing away at your psyche can only be quietened for a little while. Crying yourself to sleep at night begging to be normal and not have these thoughts and memories.

 2. Communication and Relationships: Trauma complicates communication massively. I often found myself either over-explaining, being completely hyper with energy or withdrawing entirely, afraid of missteps or rejection. Personal relationships were challenging, as intimacy often triggered a whirlwind of emotional flashbacks and fear.

If I’m wronged, manipulated or hurt I cut people out of my life straight away as any sort of pain caused by people I thought I cared about is like an open raw nerve being stamped on or a knife being shoved in my back.

 3. Work and Purpose: As a survivor, I threw myself into work, seeking solace in productivity. However, this sometimes led to workaholism, driven by the belief that my value lay solely in what I could achieve.

I would work like crazy on a project then completely burn out. I’m now working with a CBT specialist so that I might finally get on track with managing to regulate my mental illnesses better.

Trauma Responses in Life and Business.

Understanding trauma responses has been crucial in unraveling how my past shaped my present. What I once saw as personality traits—like perfectionism or people-pleasing- or being argumentative or having fractious relationships with people are responses to deeply ingrained fears and survival mechanisms.

 1. Fear of Rejection: In life and in business, I’ve often found myself paralyzed by the fear of being judged or dismissed. This fear, rooted in my trauma, led to second-guessing my decisions and avoiding risks that could push me forward.

 2. Negative Self-Talk: The internal critic has been a relentless companion. It amplifies minor setbacks and diminishes successes. This has made celebrating wins—both personal and professional—very difficult to come to terms with.

 3. Workaholism: Work and design became my sanctuary and my battlefield. By burying myself in projects, I could momentarily escape the lingering pain. However, this often left me emotionally depleted, sacrificing self-care for productivity.

 4. Trust and Jealousy: Trust is fragile when your boundaries have been repeatedly and relentlessly violated. This has caused me to question the intentions of others or feel jealousy when I perceived others as more secure or confident in themselves.

I struggled at times to play the sport I love as I was so uptight about making a mistake or not making that next save and letting my team mates down that I was falling apart with anxiety and in turn making simple mistakes.

Turning Pain into Purpose.

Despite these challenges, the story doesn’t end in the shadows. Over the years, I’ve begun to understand that while trauma shaped me, it doesn’t define me. My healing journey has been far from linear, but it has taught me resilience, self-compassion, and the power of purpose.

1. The creation of Hugh and Lily’s is not just a venture; it’s a testament to the strength of storytelling and the importance of human connection. The world of my grandparents was my safe escape and respite that I shared with them and my Mum and Dad and now I want to amplify that love and story to the world.

Moving Forward with Purpose

Healing from trauma isn’t about erasing the scars—it’s about learning to live with them, to grow around them, and to let them fuel a deeper understanding of yourself and the world.

What I’ve come to realize is that the intense pain I endured is not just a burden; it’s also a catalyst. It has taught me resilience, empathy, and the strength to turn suffering into something meaningful. My journey hasn’t been linear, and it never will be. But through my work, my passion for creativity, and unbreakable faith in the future, I’ve found a way to rewrite the narrative.

To anyone who has walked a similar path: your story matters. Your voice matters. Healing may not look like what you expected, but every step forward—no matter how small—is a victory. You are not defined by what happened to you, but by how you rise, how you live, and how you love in spite of it all. I hope you have the great support that I have. My husband and parents saved my life!

This is my story, as a flawed but deeply caring survivor who is still growing, still learning, and still trying desperately to create a life of meaning and purpose. The weight of the past will always be there, but it no longer defines my future.

GK